OSCARS 2008

Sad that you didn't get to spend Oscar night at the Ol' Bait Shop? Well, thanks to the magical interconnected tubes of the Internet, you can enjoy the Academy Awards with me...VIRTUALLY!!!!!

Please note: since I'm watching via the magic of TiVo, the times listed herein will be approximate, as opposed to, y'know, when they actually happened. (P.S.: Blanca's desk? Long story.)

6:20-ish PM: Ryan Seacrest interviews a considerably more likeable Ryan, namely Amy, a.k.a. The Wire's "Beadie" Russel, a seemingly down-to-earth working actress who's clearly digging the whole glamorous Oscar experience in a totally unjaded, very charming way that makes her seem like some old friend from college who somehow wound up on the red carpet. She's working on some movie where Clint Eastwood taught her to throw a fake movie punch and Ryan asks her to demonstrate. Sadly, she doesn't ACTUALLY punch him. Meanwhile, Amy (my lovely Polish bride) and Dori, her lovely mother, weigh in on Ryan's outfit: thumbs down. I feel the brown-lapelled tux would look better with a fez and, possibly, a hookah.

6:35-ish: Kristen Chenoweth: one hot Republican.

6:42-ish: It's raining on the Oscars!

Flashback: Saturday afternoon, the Independent Spirit Awards. Rainn Wilson funny, but trying way too hard. Awkward moment: Angelina Jolie graciously accepting applause for her nomination in the saintly role of Daniel Pearl's saintly widow in A Mighty Heart, then finding herself reduced to a tight, brittle All About Eve smile as young whippersnapper Ellen Page wins for Juno.

6:51-ish: Ruby Dee! Damn!

6:59-ish: What, exactly, is the deal with John Travolta's hair? Amy notes that it seems painted on, as with a ventrioloquist's dummy.

7:03-ish: Amy is disappointed by the lack of train wreck fashion. But Tilda Swinton has yet to appear.

7:11-ish: Finally, a truly hideous dress appears on the wife of Daniel Day Lewis, but Amy says it doesn't count because non-famous movie star spouses get a free pass.

7:16-ish: Woo-hoo! Ask for train wreck and you shall receive: Gary Busey appears out of nowhere and accosts Ryan Seacrest, then kisses an extremely unnerved Laura Linney and tackles a downright frightened Jennifer Garner in a passionate bear hug. Security is, presumably, summoned.

7:23-ish: Ryan Seacrest praises Miley Cyrus for creating such a wonderful brand. Y'know, as opposed to music. Dori and Amy give four thumbs up to the ever-stylish Helen Mirren.

7:36-ish: Tilda Swinton does not disappoint.

7:40-ish: Marion Cotillard tells Ryan Seacrest she's having a eunuch time. Amy and Dori inform me "eunuch" is French for "unique".

7:52-ish: Nice hat, Spike.

7:53-ish: Zelwegger, picking at her hair self-consciously. Oh, Bridget Jones, will you never win? Meanwhile, Katherine Heigl is gorgeous, but looks like she got punched in the face.

7:58-ish: Cate Blanchett, purple gown, silver sparkles. I say: Sorcerer's Apprentice. Amy and Dori say: at least it's not red. (Actually, they like it a lot.)

8:01: Philbin!

8:18-ish: Regis Philbin interviews THE WORLD'S OLDEST RED CARPET BLEACHER FAN! "So what year did you first come here to watch the stars on the red carpet?" Regis asks. The WORLD'S OLDEST RED CARPET BLEACHER FAN says she's been attending the Oscars since...1986. Regis is visibly underwhelmed.

8:32-ish: CGI opening sequence. Amy's verdict: LAME!

8:33-ish: Scab Jon Stewart makes jokes about the Writer's Guild strike. No one seems to mind. All is apparently forgiven.

8:36-ish: First Javier Bardem hair joke.

8:37-ish: Funny joke about how Norbit sucked.

8:41-ish: Another black joke...quick, cut to Spike Lee!

8:44-ish: First award -- costume design. Elizabeth, The Golden Age wins. I'm already trailing in the Oscar pool. Amy & Dori agree the winning costume designer (Alexandra Byrne) really doesn't have the back for that backless dress.

8:46-ish: Mmmmm, Clooney. I'd tap that.

8:50-ish: First montage -- classic clips from old Oscar broadcasts. You know what? I loves me some Oscar montages.

8:54-ish: They show scenes from all the nominated animated movies instead of rushing through, as if everybody watching didn't really want to be watching and wanted to get through the show as quickly as possible! They even show scenes from the movies nominated for best make-up! Apparently, somebody finally told the Oscar producers people who watch the Oscars actually ENJOY watching the Oscars! Otherwise, y'know...we'd just read who won in the paper tomorrow. Well done, Oscar producers!

8:59-ish: Hey! Amy Adams is just STANDING there singing "Happy Working Song!" Where the hell are the animated cockroaches? Booooo, Oscar producers!

9:07-ish: Awww, the special effects guys from The Golden Compass are adorable. I'm glad they won, even though I'm sucking ass in my Oscar pool.

9:12-ish: Sure, Vanessa Paradis is beautiful and married to Johnny Depp...but she's still got make-up on her teeth. Hah-hah!!!!

9:18-ish: Holy shit! Who would've thought Javier Bardem would win Best Supporting Actor?!!?? Oh, right...everyone. Cute Spanish shout-out to his mother, plus Javier Bardem hair joke #2.

9:22-ish: Funny faux montages!!!

9:25-ish: Wait...a dozen black people at the Oscars? Oh...right. Gospel choir.

9:40-ish: Oh...uh...huh? Swinton? Okay, I can live with that. Excellent speech, terrible dress is the consensus here on Hooker Avenue.

9:46-ish: And this year, the geeks down at the Sunset Boulevard Denny's two weeks ago for the Scientific Technical Awards won...Jessica Alba!

9:51-ish: Funny accountants!

9:54-ish: Miley Cyrus...I LOVE that brand!

9:56-ish: I mentioned how I'm married, right? To a woman? In case, you know, you're an eligible gay bachelor wondering if I'm single. Because I am, in fact, taken and not, in fact, gay. I mention this to avoid any confusion before saying how much I just love, love, loved that production number from Enchanted!

10:00-ish: Totally digging the Seth Rogen/fat Suberbad guy routine. See? Straight.

10:15-ish: Marion Cotillard guarantees herself a spot in the next several decades of montages for her adorabley excited acceptance speech about how "there really are angels in this city!" Of course, it's L.A., so there aren't, but it's still a line you're going to hear about a hundred more times. And even though I didn't see La Vie En Rose, it seems like that poor actress went through hell playing Edith Piaf, so tres bien for her!

10:18-ish: Colin Farrell warns us about a slippery spot on the stage. Amy on Colin Farrell: "He looks like a pubic hair."

10:20-ish: The song they sing from "Once" is much better than the song from "Once" they sang on the Independent Spirit Awards.

10:28-ish: Roderick Jaynes is nominated for best editing, and they post a picture of what I can only assume is some 18th-century haberdasher. Heh-heh-heh.

10:41-ish: Dad calls. He thinks the fix was in on that whole Tilda Swinton thing. Maybe some kinda Vegas swindle: "Amy Ryan was robbed! Tilda Swinton...she just said words!" Aaah, Oscar controversy!

10:47-ish: Best Foreign Language film. As per tradition, Austria kicks Poland's ass.

10:50-ish: I don't know who this dude is singing the latest song from Enchanted, but I sure will be happy when he stops.

10:53-ish: John Travolta slips on that slippery spot on the stage Colin Farrell warned us about.

10:54-ish: The loveable buskers Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova win best song against all odds. Then, as Amy points out, Marketa is drowned out by an orchestral version of her own song, shooing her off the stage while she tries to say thanks. Ah, irony.

11:01-ish: BUT THEN!!!!! Jon Stewart brings Marketa back onstage after the break to say thank you, and she's adoreable. But she rambles a bit. Amy worries the orchestra will drown her out again. But still...awwwwwww!

11:08-ish: So...I guess Roy Scheider missed the cut, chronologically, but no Brad Renfro in the memorial montage? I mean, he didn't have Heath Ledger's career, but still...ouch.

11:14-ish: Servicemen in Iraq presenting the award for best documentary short: very cool.

11:26-ish: Diablo!

11:35-ish: Insert milkshake joke here.

11:50-ish: And...COENS!

Good! Very nice! We approve! Just about everything you want in an Academy Awards ceremony: funny jokes, pretty people, a variety of really good films honored, the uniting power of art, some thanks to mothers and fathers, plus it's not even midnight yet!

So, you know what? I'D like to thank the Academy, for another year of movies.

And now...sleep.