Tuesday, February 12, 2008

NEARLY "LOST" ME by special guest blogger Amy Jeglinski-Osborne (with additional bitching by Andrew Osborne)

Yes, the fourth season of "Lost" is now being broadcast, and I for one, am a card-carrying Lostie. From the very inception of the series, premiering back in September of 2004, I have been intrigued by the plight of the Oceanic Flight 815 survivors: conflicted spinal surgeon Jack Shephard, spunky fugitive Kate Austen, tortured torturer, Sayid Jarah, wise-ass con man, James "Sawyer" Ford, cursed clown, Hugo "Hurley" Reyes, and my personal favorite, peculiar vigilante, John Locke, to name a few. The show really packed a wallop and stirred a large, loyal fan-base from the very beginning. Combining compelling characters, stirring story-lines, a touch of the paranormal, adventure, romance, humor, and a consistently kick-ass soundtrack, along with enough twists and turns in each individual episode to satisfy even the most circumspect philosophy freak and conspiracy buff...what's not to love?

Well, I guess any show that is so immensely ambitious and complicated, featuring an ever-growing (and perishing) roster of characters, all with their own intersecting storylines, told in the present, past and future (with flash-backs and now flash-forwards), is bound to be intriguing, but also occasionally annoying and puzzling.

So now, at the risk of upsetting the diehard Losties, here is my list of things about the show that almost "lost" me:

- Charlie Pace's insipid and unnecessary death. I know it was Desmond's 'prophecy' that Charlie drowns in order to be the sacrificial lamb and free the remaining survivors, but he easily could have communicated with Penelope in the sub-station and opened the door to flee with Desmond without buying it. Why kill off such a beloved character? I think all the Lord of the Rings sequels have concluded filming, right? Or did Dominic Monaghan get a recent DUI?

- The NUMBERS! What the hell happened to the freakin’ NUMBERS? They appeared to be so crucial in launching story lines in the first and second seasons...and now? Well, apparently we've moved on to Jacob's ghost shack and the the Boaties and Tall Ghost Walt...so, according to some interview I vaguely remember hearing with series creators Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, if you want to find out what the Numbers mean, you can go play the stupid internet game for 70 hours, ‘cuz, y’know, apparently completing the story they started on the actual show you were watching isn’t really their job.

- And speaking of the Numbers...so, uh, Desmond spends years entering the damn Numbers on the Radio Shack computer in the Hatch, then the Losties take over, allowing Desmond to run away and finally, FINALLY stop the maddening task of entering the Numbers every 108 minutes (I mean, really, how much would that suck?). Then Desmond comes back, and does still yet more Number entering. Then, finally, Locke decides NOT to enter the Numbers, and all hell breaks loose. Until Desmond turns the whole thing off with, uh, the key he’s had all along...so, uh, he didn’t really have to stay in the Hatch and enter the Numbers all that time after all. But, on the other hand, he did get to enjoy all those cool Mama Cass albums.

- Why is Hurley getting fatter and everyone else, not so much? I know they had mayonnaise in the Dharma hatch but, come on! Constantly running from warthogs, smoke monsters, Others and now woebegone spirit Jacob has gotta burn a few calories! I think Jorge Garcia has actually gained weight from the beginning of the show. He needs to get in contact with Robert DeNiro or Christian Bales' trainer, pronto!

- What happened to the Others? Where the hell did they go? Have they given up trying to figure out what’s going on, too? Are they on the other side of the beach, competing against the Fans on Survivor: Wherever The Hell? And are the mysterious powers of the Island responsible for Nestor Carbonell’s magical eyeliner?

- The body hair issue. How do all the menfolk shave? I don't see any "Future Jack" beards on the fellas, especially smooth-as-a-baby’s-ass, Jin? And how does Locke keep his dome so shiny and moisturized? Also, the ladies of Lost would all have ape-like legs and tufts under their pits by now, for sure. Is the smoke monster actually a giant, sentient tube of Nair?

- And do they really have enough Dharma sunscreen to make all these people appear dewy and fresh? You'd think at least pasty Brit, Charlie, or pale blond Claire would get killer sunburn at some point.

- Claire, no baby-weight gain? Really? I think Hurley gained all the weight that she lost. And speaking of weight-gain, Sun should be getting Mommy boobs and her pregnancy chin by now.

- So, how DID "Tall Ghost Walt" age four years when the rest of the Losties have only been there for, what, a few months?

-And why does Ghost Charlie have no accent and brown hair in the afterlife?

- NO MORE JACK FLASHBACKS, PLEASE! I am so sick of hearing about this noble sap. I know, you have father issues, sorry to hear it, but join the friggin' club! Every damn person on this island has a father issue, that's what bonds them all together...well, that and their uncanny ability to not grow hair on their bodies or gain weight (Hurley excluded). Also, no more episodes involving Jack’s 'mysterious' tattoos and please, for the love of Christ, no more Bai Ling ever.

- I miss Libby. She had a pretty good storyline, and it was nice to see Hurley develop a love interest, but I guess since Cynthia Watros had a DUI, she has officially been axed from the show. I was hoping she would make a 'Brunette Ghost Libby' appearance soon...maybe getting her ass handed to her in a "Connect Four" game with Hurley?

- Why would Rose be so anxious to leave the island with Jack when her cancer disappeared on the island, a la Locke’s paralyzed legs? I know she thinks Locke is bat-shit crazy, but you'd think she'd bond with him a bit more. Plus, she digs old white guys, right?

- Does Ben speak French? How did he bag Rousseau? I'd like to see him get in a tizzy and say something smarmy and manipulative in his crazy-ass Ben Linus way with subtitles so nobody would understand. Trés amusant!

- The gargantuan big-toed statue? Will we ever revisit this? And does it hold any meaning whatsoever? Or has it been forgotten like “4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42”?

- Will Desmond's psychic abilities help them figure out how the hell they are going to get off the island and when? Or who the fuck Jacob is, or ANY ANSWERS WHATSOEVER? His psychic skills seem limited to dramatic obits only.

- And finally, will we EVER find out what happened to Roddy Macdowell, Ike Eisenmann and Jared Martin? (Suck on THAT obtuse reference, Losties!)

Anyway, regardless of my bitchin’, this really is my favorite dramatic series. I am forever looking forward to every episode and love that ragtag group of castaways and I am rooting for every last one of them to survive their journey in one piece.


(And for more of Amy's rants and reviews, please to check out her semi-regular columns over on Shuffleboil...and it's never too late to catch up with the weekly pulp fiction of Test Drive over there, neither!)


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